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Living with Grief, and This Website

I can’t believe it’s been (over) 8 years since Erin left her physical body. I was very careful at that time and since, because I knew her friends may have visited and I did not want to burden children with my very deep grief. Well, they aren’t children anymore and I am now at a point where I would like to at least attempt to help others actively with their grief journeys.

I had considered using my primary website, Bluestarhome.net, for this purpose. I have been using it as a grief blog for the last 8 years, but the primary purpose of the Blue Star was not grief but spirituality and other metaphysical topics. It began as Blue Star Services back around 1999 and I later changed it to Blue Star Home because it felt less business and more like what I had envisioned (and Blue Star was taken!). Oddly enough, I have recently realized what the Home piece of it is, but that’s a topic for that website.

I want to emphasize that I am living with grief, and I will live with it forever. All of us do to varying degrees. It is not something, contrary to anything you may have heard, that you go through in stages and then complete or get over. When Erin died in August of 2014, my brother in law had suddenly passed away in May. I never grieved him because Erin was in the hospital at the time. After she died, I was consumed. My mother died in December, my father in law the next November, my mentally disabled uncle the next December, and my aunt 2 years after that. I sat with Erin, my mother, my father in law, and my uncle as they took their last breaths. This is not something to take lightly but also it takes a terrible toll. Still, when I think of them, there is some grief there but not to the degree that I grieve Erin. I am also grieving a cat, Helios, that I could not heal from a prolonged illness in 2022.

I have joined a few grief FaceBook groups but they all gave what I consider false hope. Yes you can find joy again. No you cannot get over this. There is no cure. I finally found one called Grief Speaks Out and the admin honors her pain and ours by speaking truthfully about it.

I do not advocate medication for grief, but do not judge you if that’s how you choose to survive it. But be forewarned that dulling the pain with anything only postpones it. When you sober up or come back to reality, you pick up right where you left off. I have grieved without the use of drugs and while it was painful, the worst days are behind me because I learned how to live with it. I did have a spell in late 2014 where I drank too much on more than one occasion and it was more trouble than it was worth. I knew it was too much when after one bout, I laid down to sleep and said to myself “I can go to sleep without being sad tonight.” But it wasn’t until I displayed some uncharacteristic behavior a few months later that I stopped all of that.

What I do advocate that you do is something that doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. I play a lot of games on my phone for instance. I do this when I start to experience anxiety, which I never had before grieving although I think it started when she got sick. Sometimes I watch a lot of TV. It’s not my story, so I immerse myself int it. I used to read, but my attention span has decreased due to the anxiety so I only read sporadically now.

Do something that is soothing to you though. I have an entire “toolbox” of things I use in addition to what I mentioned above. I love YouTube videos for ASMR, crystal and Tibetan singing bowls, and even audio books. It was a very long time before I could “be alone” with myself in the car, so I listened to informative videos or audio books. Basically I did what helped at the time. Think of it like you would soothing an infant – you never know which thing works until it does.

I also used melatonin to help me sleep. It was a couple of years in when a doctor suggested this to me and it worked. I’ll write a short article on melatonin but note that before you think it doesn’t work, try taking another brand or taking more than you have been.

Many people may need counseling if they aren’t adept at working through feelings and issues. I am adept, and I still found some value in grief counseling. I think I had about 6 visits until I was no longer getting value. I was not there seeking medication.

About this website, I have been nudged for awhile to start using it for the purpose it’s fit for, other than Erin’s memory of course. I’m not yet sure what that looks like, but I hope to get there very soon.

Blessings and love to you, and #missingerin

Erin’s 7th Angelversary

Tomorrow, August 14, 2021, will be the 7th anniversary for us #missingerin. I like to call it her Angelversary.

Her friends have all grown up now, and most are entering their senior year of high school. I still think all of her friends and remember little things that were dear to her about each of you. I am ashamed that I have forgotten many of your names, but that is what the stress of grief does to a person. I hope that you will remember Erin at times, even if that memory has faded. She loved her friends and really loved most everyone she met.

Erin’s dad and I moved 3 years ago and we finally gave away most of her toys, and many of her stuffed animals. We had to dismantle her purple room and her hanging butterflies and so much more. It pained me greatly to do that, but it was necessary. For us, we are still stuck in the 4th grade at 10 years old but the reality is that time marches on.

I may not reach out or actively keep Erin’s memory alive, but it’s just because it still hurts so terribly bad. But please remember her and say her name. That makes me smile.

I hope that tomorrow, and always, you will honor Erin’s life by being kind to every living thing. And even to the rocks and the trees and the bugs, because she was and she looked upon everything with love. Please remember her kindness and compassion and use that to fuel your own actions and reactions.

Much love,

Erin’s Mommy

5th Year Missing Erin

Join us today and honor Erin’s memory with kindness to all creatures big and small. It warms our hearts to know that many of you still walk this journey with us. Your love gives us comfort while we continue to miss Erin.

Love and blessings,

Erin’s Mommy

Ms. Nicole

2018 Go for the Gold

Please consider supporting families with children battling childhood cancer at this year’s Go for the Gold Run/Walk road and trail race. This is the 2nd annual race and we are pleased that it continues to honor Erin, as well as Sam Harmon.

You can register for the race here (registration includes a Tshirt).

You can buy Tshirts here (featuring a drawing of Erin and Sam).

You can join the FaceBook event page here.

And we have created a regular FaceBook page that you can join and follow year to year here.

 

This year’s race is September 15. I realize I am very late putting this here for you, but this summer and fall has been difficult. Thank you for understanding.

Love,

Ms Nicole
#missingerin <3

Missing Erin and 2nd Annual Go for the Gold

My heart is always heavy this time of year, more so than the rest. Tuesday will be our 4th year of #missingerin , but it seems like yesterday.

We would love it if you choose to show kindness to any living being next week for Erin’s 4th Angelversary. We would also love it if you would show your support for Erin and Angel Sam Harmon next month during the 2nd Annual Go for the Gold supporting St Jude families. More on the event here: https://www.facebook.com/events/2120721571483092/

The picture below is of this year’s shirts. Sam’s mommy, Christie, did a wonderful job. We will have a shirt order link up soon, and you also get a shirt when you register for the race.

Always #missingerin <3

Thinking of Erin on her 14th Birthday

Hello Friends,

Yesterday, 12/11, would have been Erin’s 14th birthday. Thank you so much to everyone who remembered her and to those who expressed loving kindness through acts or words in her honor.

She was actually due on 12/12, but began her journey here on the evening of 12/10. I guess she couldn’t wait any longer.

I also want to remind everyone who knew her that she hated the “Happy Birthday” song and would cry if it was sung at her party. She could never explain why. She “just didn’t.”

Due to the time of year that it falls, this is actually our 3rd birthday without her. We miss her terribly.

Thank you for walking this difficult journey with us.

Love,

Erin’s Mommy
#missingerin

Go for the GOLD 5k/10k trail, 5k road and Kids Fun Run

I am sorry it took me so long to post this, but on September 16, 2017 McMullen Cove is sponsoring the Go for the Gold event here in the cove. It’s open to anyone and everyone, and is in honor of Erin and Sam Harmon (some of you may know Sam’s mother Christie Dale Harmon). Donations go to St. Jude.

As you know from reading Erin’s story, she most likely had lymphoma. Sam had leukemia and has been gone around one year. Aside from the horrors our children and our families have to ensure, no family should go through an illness like this unsupported. St Jude does a wonderful job of supporting their families and is a great cause to donate to.

Please consider supporting our families by attending the event, registering for the run (yes you can walk!), and buying a Tshirt. I have said over and over that we exist now because of the kindness of others, and so I very selfishly ask for you to come support the Canters and the Harmons on September 16. The link above takes you to the event FaceBook page.

Many blessings and much love,

Erin’s Mommy
AKA Ms Nicole

**My apologies to the other child mentioned that I do not know, Carson. I don’t yet know his family or his story. <3

Erin’s 3rd Angelversary

It was 3 years ago today that we had to say goodbye for now to Erin in her physical form. So we call that day her Angelversary.

We miss her just as much today as we did the minute she left our side. Without your ongoing kindness, we would not have made it this far. For that we are eternally grateful.

Please join us today in remembering Erin. I know that she is still hanging around watching over all of us and is probably irritated that she can’t get us to see her <3

#missingerin

Happy 13th Birthday, Erin

I am a day late, but hope that you wished Erin a Happy 13th Birthday yesterday on December 11. Her birthday is very hard for us so I did not feel like posting yesterday, although I did post on FaceBook and have made it public for anyone who would like to view.  Here is Erin on her last (10th) birthday spent with us…

She had a biopsy that day, and so got her favorite Olaf stuffy before we went because we felt so bad about it. We were worried about her and didn’t want to wait for the next appointment.

Thank you so much to Simone H. for continuing to shop and donate to Friends of Rescue in Erin’s honor. You shared many things, including your absolute unconditional love of animals of all kinds. I know that she was smiling on Friday like I was when I saw your picture. (Image cropped to protect her privacy).

And a big thank you to Carla W. and Katie. Katie “got to know” Erin through her story in 2014, and says she is her guardian Angel and hangs this special ornament on the tree every year in her honor. What a special and sweet girl Katie is <3

Acts of kindness such as this really have kept us going. It is amazing and awe inspiring.

And thank you to everyone who mentioned Erin on FaceBook on her birthday. The Stafford’s and the Howley’s and everyone else who wrote, remembered, called, and texted. I may not have answered you yet but we saw and appreciated your kindness.

Even though Erin has only been gone 2 years, it has now been 3 birthdays since that was how the calendar dates fell. We miss her just as much now as we did then. We love you and miss you Erin <3

Love,
Ms Nicole
AKA Erin’s Mommy
#missingerin

In Memory of Papa

Once again we have had someone near and dear to us pass away. Erin’s “Papa” (pronounced like pawpaw), Larry Canter, passed away on November 22, 2016. Erin loved her Papa and Nana (who is still with us) very much and they had a typical grandparent-grandchild relationship.

You can view Larry’s Obituary here and sign the guestbook if you like.  Here’s a snapshot of the nice funeral program that was printed for his service.

Larry was a US Army Veteran, and Erin’s daddy Shaun was presented with a flag at the funeral service. The picture didn’t come out so well and it looks better close up 🙂

Thank you for thinking of our family at this time. Larry is the 5th close family member to leave us in 2 years, and while we probably miss Erin the most, we still miss him dearly.

Love,
Ms. Nicole
AKA Erin’s Mommy
#missingerin <3